Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jesswilliams' LiveJournal:

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Monday, December 12th, 2005
1:39 pm	Its been quite a while Its amazing how much a single event can change your whole life - our outlook - your over all feeling about the world. People used to say I was naive...that I saw too much good in the world and in people. That I was, as I have written in this journal before, a SUCKER. But, since March of this year, I have learned so much - and grown so much - as a person, that I amaze myself today. I dont think it was therapy that helped me so much really. I dont think the event itself changed who I am. I think it was that, in desperate moments, hours, days and months - I learned that I have a team of people who love me no matter what, who support me when I need it, and who value my existence on this planet. My experience made me question the meaning of life - why do we exist at all? To reproduce and die? But, through my own prism of experience, I have come to accept that we exist to help others. I have always known this - and done this - to the best of my ability...but now I see that life is about a series of exchanges between people. Do you stand up when it counts? Are your intentions in assisting others, pure? I used to be uncomfortable when people would say, "You do God's work". But now, it seems like such a compliment. And, as tiring as "God's work" might be - it is the meaning of life. Or at least, thats what Ive come to believe. I see things in a different perspective. The drama with Steve and Doug and Jen and Rob. All that matters to me is that those people are happy. I see now, more than ever, what will make them happy - and guide them in those directions. I dont see, anymore, what I want for them or what I think will work for them. Its become easier to see things through other people's eyes. This sense of impending doom - that I have felt my whole life - still stays with me - but I know that tragedy is conquerable. Fear can be overcome. And people can change. Being an active participant in solving your problems is all any of us can do. Work for change - in ourselves and in others. I feel good. Damn good. And I think Im ending the journal here. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 11th, 2005
8:32 pm	dont trust anyone Seems like just yesterday They were a part of me I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong Their arms around me tight Everything, it felt so right Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong Now I can't breathe No, I can't sleep I'm barely hanging on Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought they were the ones Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes I told them everything Opened up and let them in They made me feel alright For once in my life Now all that's left of me Is what I pretend to be So together, but so broken up inside 'Cause I can't breathe No, I can't sleep I'm barely hangin' on Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought they were the ones Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes Swallow me then spit me out For hating you, I blame myself Seeing them it kills me now No, I don't cry on the outside Anymore... Here I am, once again I'm torn into pieces Can't deny it, can't pretend Just thought they were the ones Broken up, deep inside But you won't get to see the tears I cry Behind these hazel eyes (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 15th, 2005
6:55 pm	on being sick...or not...and on family Its funny how the people who are your true family (either birth, marriage or those friends who are really family) are the people who are comfortable with you, no matter what. In any situation, they connect with you. And you connect with them. They could pack up their things and move in with you and never leave and it would be okay because you want to be with them always. And you are comfortable with them and they with you. when you are faced with being really sick, you realize that you want to keep these people close - always - and you realize who is there for you, in what ways...of course, everyone that loves you can provide different things...but this experience has taught me that every piece counts and that the people who love me, love me tremendously. what a gift! what an amazing beautiful gift. doug and i have transformed...in our relationship but also individually... (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 8th, 2005
8:09 pm	week 10 im in the beginning of week 10...my stomach is a fucking wreck. i feel like ive been run over by a goddamn train. i was depressed all weekend. crying and crying. if the news is the worst, and im going to be this sick the whole time, i should give the children to someone else to raise. i have been a terrible mother - no energy, constantly very sick... i know that the mind can do strange things to the body...but this is getting rediculous. i feel like i want to give up. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
2:44 pm	away? Tina thinks that I should go to a special "clinic" (I think, aka "hospital") in PA. But I dont know... I just dont know if I should decide anything until I know about my health. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
9:41 am	breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe I wanted to write more yesterday, but I could not. I feel outside of myself. Like Im floating above myself - somewhere else - not in my body. And its not like you sometimes hear - that youre listening to or watching your body go through the motions of living - I am nowhere near myself. I am far away somewhere else. And my sense of time is off again - though not as badly as it had been. Things that happened today seem like they could have been weeks ago. I cry all the time. Sometimes just for a minute. Sometimes for hours. Everything seems trite. On the other hand, I have found such compassion in so many people. I keep breathing... My body hurts - especially my stupid knee. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
4:36 pm	ok well, that positive attitude is gone. left me at about 10pm last night...and has not returned. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
10:27 am	finding peace before June 19th I am still more than a month from turning 30 but I am about to become the woman I always wanted to be, on the inside. Whether or not I am sick - I have found peace in a crisis - and come to see what really matters. The people I love are courageous and kind - sincere and devoted - compassionate and patient and sympathetic. They are PEOPLE too (like me) and can only give what they can give - can only be what they can be. And everyone I love is trying their best these days, to be there for me in the way that they can. My children are the light of my life - my joy and my purpose. I love them - and I finally love and forgive myself. Isnt it strange how something can happen to you that fills you with such confusion, fear and self doubt and THAT can become the thing that sets you free of all your old troubles? I am ready to hear what the doctor says- and I am ready to deal with it - whatever it is. I cannot say that I am unafraid about how everyone else will deal with it, but I am not afriad for myself. Not anymore. I find myself wanting to do a couple of things before I talk to the doctor - one of which is to see Rob. Rob has been so kind to me, since the day I met him, despite his own confusion. It is that way with all people: They are flawed in some ways, but wonderfully perfect in others. I do not know the logistics of what will happen...of what the doctor will say and what will happen next...but either way, I am taking stock in my own life. It is good - I have good friends and sweet family - amazing children. And, no matter what, I am lucky. And I will be here for my friends as they have been for me. I am hoping to come away from this with one last chance to be healthy in all respects. But if I cannot have physical health, having emotional health is a wonderful gift too. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 17th, 2005
9:39 pm	if heaven is on the way... You in the dark You in the pain You on the run Living a hell Living your ghost Living your end Never seem to get in the place that I belong Don’t wanna lose the time Lose the time to come Whatever you say it’s alright Whatever you do it’s all good Whatever you say it’s alright Silence is not the way We need to talk about it If heaven is on the way If heaven is on the way You in the sea On a decline Breaking the waves Watching the lights go down Letting the cables sleep Whatever you say it’s alright Whatever you do it’s all good Whatever you say it’s alright Silence is not the way We need to talk about it If heaven is on the way We’ll wrap the world around it If heaven is on the way If heaven is on the way I’m a stranger in this town I’m a stranger in this town If heaven is on the way If heaven is on the way I’m a stranger in this town I’m a stranger in this town Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
3:43 pm	am I being crazy? I am convinced that I am going to die...that I have infected the people I care about. It is a sickening feeling...I started to feel better last Wednesday and improved. But by Sunday I was really bad again...and today is Tuesday and I am not feeling good at all. These obsessive fears are not totally rooted in untruths...since even NYS Department of Health talks about definitive results at 3 months...The test I did was at 4 weeks and 4 days... Plus the flu symptoms after 4 weeks...and now joint and muscle pain and a rash across my chest. Peoples dishonesty in other respects of my life make me feel suspect of all truths and lies. Last night, online with R., it was very hard to believe the things he was telling me...and the sweetness that he exhibits to me there is not indicitive of how he acts towards me in person. The same has been true with S. for many years. One week its one thing. The next week its something else. And I guess I am worn out from all these deceptions about love. I keep waiting for someone to save me from this...to protect me...to comfort me. But I am very much alone in the world. It feels that way, anyway. I think I always feel that way...since before all of this shit. My Mom is so far away. My sisters too. And my childhood women friends have no understanding of how I live - and to be honest - I dont think I would want them to know. Its embarassing. Doug is sickeningly happy with Jen. I dont care what he or she says about it...it becomes more and more apparent to me that she makes him happier and excites him more than I do (I dont mean that sexually). People make these promises...but no one follows through. I try not to let myself be moved by any of it anymore. I try not to listen and I try to take everything at face value. So Im not let down. So I dont expect anything... I know that the reason I stayed in that room that night was because of this sickening sense of lonliness that is always sitting in the pit of my stomach. And now, I feel like I could die because I was lonely. My sister called me when I was away on vacation visiting my mom (right after this whole thing happened) and told me she dreamed I had died of neglect. I keep going back to that. Last night online, R. was very mushy...and the intensity between us at work today was tangible... Sometimes I catch myself being selfish...wanting to push him into something more but then I realize how awful that would be for him. Talking to him is the only time I feel alive lately - and thats pathetic. Maybe I should have another test when I go for my surgery. That would be 7 weeks... I barely see S. anymore and when I do it is always on his terms. He never has time for me because he works nights... I have given up counting on him for anything, including emotional support. The truth is... I cant count on anyone for emotional support. Doug asks me...and he tries often... but I think I feel too let down too often by him to let him comfort me. Plus, if I am sick...and hes sick too, it would kill me and Im trying to keep some distance because of that, I think... (Comment on this)
10:09 am	I open my eyes I try to see but Im blinded by the white light I cant remember how I cant remember why Im lying here tonight And I cant stand the pain And I cant make it go away No I cant stand the pain How could this happen to me I made my mistakes Ive got no where to run The night goes on As Im fading away Im sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me Everybodys screaming I try to make a sound but no one hears me Im slipping off the edge Im hanging by a thread I wanna start this over again So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered And I cant explain what happened And I cant erase the things that Ive done No I cant How could this happen to me I made my mistakes Ive got no where to run The night goes on As Im fading away Im sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me I made my mistakes Ive got no where to run The night goes on As Im fading away Im sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
12:24 pm	everything hanging in the air its funny how life can change from 2 or 3 minutes gone wrong. not just with my situation of course...but i think of people who answer their cell in the car and look away for a second, causing an accident, perhaps deaths...perhaps their own death. i think of the person who uses drugs, JUST ONCE, and gets the "bad high" - ending up in a psychotic state of days - and medicated for the rest of their lives (I know someone who this happened to). I think about the person who wakes up 10 minutes late and ends up missing an important meeting and getting fired... All you have to do is make one irresponsible choice...and things can get... frightening. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 1st, 2005
10:31 pm	10:31 pm on a Friday night I had a good time with Jen today. She is always there to help me when I need it...(thank you). And I am proud of her too...she will turn out to be more well adjusted that I am, when she is my age. Doug is sleeping on the futon behind me, snoring up a storm. I mentioned this to jen today and she said she found his snoring to be comforting! HOLY SHIT. Its like an avalanche...but hey...more power to her. There are some ways in which Jen and Doug are much more suited to each other than Doug and I. She can speak "math" and "computer"...she and he seem to have a good (ahem) connection...and she is more patient than I am with his silence... But Doug tends to suck the enthusiasm out of people. And Jens enthusiasm is one of her greatest qualities. I would never want her to lose it. This week has felt very busy...running around with only one car is a major pain in the ass. But Doug gets his new car on Saturday... IF ALL GOES WELL...and then we wont have to be so hectic anymore. Doug starts his new job on Monday and the last thing we want to do is stress out over actually showing up to and getting home from, the new job. Julie had her kindergaten assessment today and she kicked ass. She is a smart girl. I was so proud of her...She and Drew are such different people - but each with their own skills and talents. I am continually impressed with both of them. I am lucky. It really makes me want to have more children. I have been so blessed with the two that I have...I wonder what other children would be like... Esther has been sick and dealing with a lot of medical tests. It seems to be bringing her down. Steve has been in a bad place. Depressed, I guess. I love him. Even though he treats me...differently...from week to week...I do love him. I pray for him that he will find peace and contentment. I pray for him that he will find ongoing happiness. I cry for him sometimes because of how much pain he is in... Its funny how open my heart stays to so many people. I know that makes me strange... I really miss my sisters lately. I wish they werent so far away. And my throat has started hurting. Hope Im not getting sick... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
3:09 pm	I am soooo angry what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so furious? I feel like I want to kill somebody but I dont know why. Why do I allow myself to become so overwrought with emotion. Rob would say Im on sex withdrawl and thats why Im feeling this way. The sad part is that he may be right. I get mad that I get this crazy over lack of sex. Why do I have to be like this? I wish I didnt even like sex. I wish I didnt care... On that note, I wish I didnt care about people at all. I wish I was...able to curl into myself and just be OK with that. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? what is wrong with me? Shouldnt my kids be enough? ARGH! (Comment on this)
Friday, March 25th, 2005
10:27 am	infections are awful! I feel disgusting and Im worried that this is something other than a regular yeast infection. I feel like total crap! Im exhausted, stressed and just worn out. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 18th, 2005
2:28 pm	long time no write We went on that vacation and, though I got really sick, had a very good time. Steve was amazing with the children, enjoyed my family, and was very good to me when I wasnt feeling well. It left me feeling very close to him. Then, I went to Rochester on business, where I acted like an idiot with some strange man - spent each night with Rob and called Steve crying about the state of my life and of his and my relationship. When I came home, i complained to Doug about his and my relationship and I told him I wasnt happy. Doug immediately stepped up the pace...and Steve, of course, has not. Steve will not talk about what I said and will not follow through with anything. Doug is putting in his requistite up time to appease me and then he'll slack off again. At least, thats my fear - and its grounded in reality - in history. Doug got a new job - with BAE- and hes very happy. He also turned 30 yesterday. He was unhappy yesterday and today...angry and anxious and mean. And I find it funny since this change in behavior also coincides with me believing in the potential for he and I to be happy, once again. I once told Esther that it is when I start to believe in him, when I start to really love him again, that he shuts down and stops trying. This depresses the shit out of me...but Im not going to jump to conclusions yet. After all, he is changing jobs and that makes for a stressful time. Jen seems unhappy and unsettled lately. She had been doing so well, it seemed...and then...flop! not so well. I hope she finds what she is looking for - more freedom, a "real" boyfriend, some peace in herself. Drew and Julie are very well. Poor Julie had to have a cavity filled. :( She goes for her kindergaten assessment in 2 weeks. AH! KINDERGARTEN! ALREADY! Drew is fabulous - happy, healthy and smart as a whip. I want to enroll Julie in some music oriented class. She loves singing so much and I think it would be good for her. Work is great. Im very busy writing grants and running the internship program. I am still doing the Family Group Conferences and those go OK. Rob and I are still close and I still really enjoy him...he sits with me at court and chats. I stay with him til 5:45 on Tuesdays and we chat online sometimes. When we were upstate we slept in the same bed and talked until very late at night. He and I connect so well...like peas in a pod...even though we are very very different. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
4:53 pm	almost vacation... moments until vacation...I cant wait. And I am just counting down the hours. We're leaving Monday at 1. I cant wait to be with the children for a little while and just be in the moment with them and enjoy their company. Ive been working a lot this week and late almost every evening. I know they miss me too - Drew has been acting out in his own quiet way...he misses me a lot. Washington DC with them is going to be so cool...and I cant wait to see my Mom. I read Jen's journal - THANKS JEN - true that my work sometimes overwhelms me...but this is what I do and part of my place in the world. Though it makes me sad - sometimes even makes me cry - it is a gift to do good in the world - or at least be given the chance to try. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
8:42 am	ones flaws I wonder about my weaknesses. They are an important part of who I am. I try to change...some things...but should I always be striving to be this "perfect" person? Like yesterday, I got upset with Rob because he was being...his normal ruthlessly teasing self...when what I really wanted was someone to say "I love you. Dont worry...". So, I got cranky with him... He said I should be "tougher" and work on my feelings not being hurt so easily. I guess thats true...but, for Gods sake... My friendship with him is interesting...I feel like he's always testing me - and I hate being looked at with that analytical eye. Like...he's always analyzing. In a sense it makes me feel uncomfortable and in a way I feel like it forces me to grow. I find myself being resistant to all this stuff...like I just want to be left alone sometimes...even though I know its better to grow. I had an odd dream with him in it last night (and an even weirder - but probably related one) with Steve the night before that. In the dream with R., Doug and me and the kids were all laying in bed and he was there too. He was rubbing his thumb along the small of my back, under the t-shirt that I was wearing. It was a comforting feeling...soft...and warm. He did this once to me, in real life, when we were watching TV together - and, in real life, it felt...so sincere. Anyway, in the dream, he picked himself up and leaned over to kiss me on the forehead (paternal?) but kissed me on the lips instead. It felt very sexy...but, more interestingly, Doug just sort of moved out of the way and made room for him to kiss me. And the kids didnt seem to think one thing or the other about it. In the dream two nights ago, I was having a baby (giving birth) - and I was in the hospital, on the table, in labor. Doug was standing on one side of me and Steve was on the other. The baby was Steve's. When she was born, Drew and Julie came in to meet her - and I named her Isabel. Doug was happy and Steve was happy and the kids were happy. I was happy. Why is Doug happy, or just, complacent, in both the dreams? Why are the kids there too (especially in the one with Rob)? I try to be introspective and figure things out as I go... I wonder if Rob thinks I am even trying. He seems to think I have very little true understanding of myself. Or maybe thats just him, being him, and teasing me ruthlessly. My Florida project is semi-canned. We're not going and I am so dissapointed. But whatever. Its better than being sent on a long shopping trip for Dr. Marino. (poor Esther! Unbelieveable! I was laughing all the way to work this morning.) Doug has two interviews for new jobs. One in Bohemia and one in New Jersey (right over the Bridge from Manhattan). The NJ one seems like quite a hike, but Doug is excited by it...so... The Interns started this week...and I am looking forward to THAT taking up some of my time. Otherwise the job is so dead end. I need more $$$. What else is new? Its too bad that the work I enjoy doesnt pay enough to support my family. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 20th, 2005
9:54 am	a letter to my Grandparents Details huh? OK...you ASKED for it. ;) The internship program is called "Time Together". It has several functions. The first part of the program uses undergraduate students (both Psychology and Child Development students) to supervise visits between substance addicted parents and their children. These parents are involved in special subdivision of Family Court. Its called Family Treatment Court and its specifically for parents who have been found to have neglected their children as a result of their drug or alcohol addiction. The Family Treatment Court is a multidisciplinary team of people (drug abuse counselors, child advocates, housing coordinators, welfare coordinators, researchers and parent educators who work together to help bring families back together and drug-free. So, some of these parents have custody of their kids under supervision, some have children in foster care and some have kids living with grandparents, aunts, exhusbands or wives etc. So, this new program allows them to have more supervised visitation with their kids while getting parent education at the same time. The other branch of Time Together uses Masters level interns (Mental Health Masters) to facilitate support groups for the children involved in Family Treatment Court as well as for the family members that are caring for them while their parents work on recovery and getting their lives together. This branch of the program also runs recreational nights where families can go do fun things in the evenings and destress. It also offers an educational series to family members so they understand the dynamics of addiction and recovery, the Court system, and caring for children who have been neglected. The program really OFFICIALLY starts next week - though the interns have been coming for training before the program starts, since 1/10. The purchase of a building is for a DIFFERENT program - an early childhood facility for infants and toddlers involved in Family Treatment Court. This program would provide a high level of intervention in a day care setting for these babies that have been neglected - many of whom were born positive for a drug. The Family Treatment Court in Miami started the first of these types of programs and they have had amazing success. They partner with the University of Maimi's School of Medicine and they do amazing research on infant brain development there. Also, they get many many grants because of the specialized work they do. I am thinking about partnering with Stony Brook for ours - or NYIT. The Urban League (Im sure youve heard of them) might be interested in partnering with us on this project which would be great because they just got a 30,000 SF building right down the block from the court. BRAND NEW. So, all of this is in addition to the job I actually got hired for...which is to facilitate permanancy plans created by families involved in the Court. Its kind of like mediation with the whole extended family when there is some sort of conflict going on. Plus, I do data analysis of the success of the court. Plus, I write the quarterly reports to the Federal government letting them know how the court is doing - since they give us quite a bit of money to run things here. And in my spare time... I just got a job with the Federal Bureau of Maternal and Child Health to be a grant reviewer. All of this is from home...and I will be reading other state's applications for money and helping decide who had the most worthy applications. Should be a great learning experience...though I think the money isnt so great. I should have listened to you when you told me to go into a more lucrative field. Anyway, I miss and love you both. Thanks for being interested in all my crazy ideas. Jess (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
12:58 pm	boundaries I visited with S. this morning and came to the conclusion that he needs to navigate adult life without any intervention from me. He seems like such a lost soul - and I find it so hard to let go...I want, so much, for him to be happy. Maybe me moving to North Carolina is the right thing to do for S. Maybe he'd be better off if I were far away. Maybe he'd be less confused. (Comment on this)